Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
