i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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