Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
