you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
