Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize