You don't have asthma, your pregnant
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
