so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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