She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
