I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
