Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
