I wish my penis had an off switch
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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