No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
