You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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