Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
