someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
In other news, I just burned my penis
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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