u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
