Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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