I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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