I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize