I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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