just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
