My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize