Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
