My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
