Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
