I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize