So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
