conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
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