Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
