So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
