i jhust puked up my retainher.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
