I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
