Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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