Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
