Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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