I cannot find my penis.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
