whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
