There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
