there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
