my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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