Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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