She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
