how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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