I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
