Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
50% drunk capacity currently
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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