hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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