I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
