I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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