when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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