just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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