her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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