dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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