It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
