I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Watching her eat just hurts me
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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