I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
